No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
her vagine was all disorganized.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
This baby is an asshole
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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