I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
