Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Randomize
