I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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