I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
