maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I will pee on everything he values.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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