Your dad touched me again.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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