he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
