I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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