the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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