My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
