hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
