then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
