my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
