Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
