Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
