Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
