i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
