the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
