lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
