I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
