I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
