I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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