i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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