You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize
