Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
