Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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