and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
