Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
His hands were made for my vagina.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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