Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
