haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
