guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
