I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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