When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
