summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Randomize