Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
