well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
