Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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