Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
