Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
