i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
