He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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