every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
