does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
