i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
