is your mom at the bar?
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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