Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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