I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
