Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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