I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
one might say we're banned from that church
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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