I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
