11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
