You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
