I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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