A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Randomize
