Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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