i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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