I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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