I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
