i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
You can't just leave with hair like that
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize