This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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