My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
