so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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