Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
We had sex on a dog bed..
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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