oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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