I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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