Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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