I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
