Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
